Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
