please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
