ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
