im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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