I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
