I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
