There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
