Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
