It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
