Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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