you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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