at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
