"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
dude. I can hear the air.
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