Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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