Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize