Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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