This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize