I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
