Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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