Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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