Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize