so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
