my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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