i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
