I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
