I think im going to throw up on grandma
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
