I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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