wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
