i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
