my phone needs a breathalizer
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
