I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize