1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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