As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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