While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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