I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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