The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
