OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
