i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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