he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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