WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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