Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
