Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
