Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This baby is an asshole
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
