Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
