he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
