3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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