my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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