Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
