so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
