He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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