After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
