So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
