i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I looked at my own cervix.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
