Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
