I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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