I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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