Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
