haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
