bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize