I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
