Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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