Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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