girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
