how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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