I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
