I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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