Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
